Balancing Tornadoes At Forty Four
I recently had a balance. That sounds so funny. A balance. I guess you could look at it like taking your car in to get the oil changed or the tires rotated. It’s not quite as easy as taking your car in but it can be incredibly helpful and I think necessary. Balance is something that I’ve been seeking for years and I’m sure I will always be seeking on some level. Balance between work and home, being a wife and mother, a friend vs. stranger.
A few days ago I went to see my friend and fellow kinesiologist, Saci. She has a gentle but “let’s get down to business” way about her which I love. She started my balance by looking for a goal to focus on that was the priority for me in that moment. I wasn’t clear about what that could be for myself and through some inquiry and muscle testing I was a little surprised at what showed up. Writing, or the lack of writing that I’ve done over the last year is what came to the front of the list. When I thought about what that meant to me I could feel all of this tense, pent-up energy inside of my body. If I had to describe that energy, it would be like a swirling tornado of words and emotions inside of me, wanting to burst out and into the world. Matt recently took me to see “Wicked” as an early birthday present. It was amazing and the story has that whirling tornado right there in the middle of everything, creating utter chaos in the land of Oz.
Well, that tornado has been inside of me. A bunch of pent-up energy that I’ve been stuffing. But why?!
I asked myself that question as Saci and I were working together. What I realized is that I have wanted to be able to sit down and write something short. Something quick and to the point and maybe not even writing at times. Just sharing recent photographs that I’ve taken would be great. Maybe a couple of lines to describe what it is that I’m sharing, but short. I could see that the reality of knowing myself creeps in, between my thoughts and my actually sitting down to write. I know that it’s almost an impossibility to write just a line or two. That when I sit down to write I just keep going. It’s like a landslide of thought and words and everything else that just wants to come out. It takes time and energy and I haven’t wanted to get lost in all of that. I haven’t wanted to have a 5 minute intention turn into an hour of pouring out my words onto a page. But, what I realized, is that by NOT taking time to put my thoughts and emotions outside of my head, I’m stuffing them all inside of my body.
As I looked at that, my stuffing these thoughts and words and emotions inside of my body, the question of where else am I stuffing things came up. We didn’t address that together but I know that if something shows up in one area of your life, it’s most likely showing up in other areas as well. I don’t know that there are too many places where I’m not being my total true self but I can see that as I ignore parts of me that are important, energetically it doesn’t support having a balanced life. By any means!
Saci asked me to look at what my writing brings to me, how it satisfies me and my life. The word that came to me in answer to that question was RELEASE. Writing brings me release. As I sunk into that answer I could imagine words flying from that tornado inside of me and I could literally feel the release in my body. It was like taking deep, deep breaths that were moving through me, out of me and into the world. Releasing emotions and fears and thoughts and love and inspiration and hope and so much more.
There was also something unexpected that came out of my looking at why I write or why I like to write. It has to do with my boys. The other day I found myself wondering about the cycle of parents and children. How there is this ongoing dialogue of how parents want more for their children. We want them to surpass where we have gone. We want them to step through fears that we are sometimes unwilling or unable to step through. There are movies that focus on it, authors that write about it, families that talk about it. We want our children to be greater, bigger than we could be. But why is that? As I was moving through the house, wondering why it is that I want my children to be bolder than I am willing to be, it made me stop to wonder where I wasn’t being bold in my own life. I think I even physically stopped what I was doing and asked that question out loud to the room. It’s no wonder that a couple of days later I found myself laying on Saci’s table being confronted with this same question in a different form. She asked me to visualize looking at my boys from the place of me writing and expressing myself in the world and asked me what I saw. What I saw when I looked at them was their greatness. It brought tears to my eyes then and now. I could see that through my being willing to stand in my truth, which is putting words to paper, I could see them able to grow larger than they would have without my expression. Isn’t that fascinating? It was as if I could see that because I was willing to move through some fear and block and wall that was in front of me. My being courageous gave them the courage to be courageous and to climb over the walls they face and leave the one that I had been stuck in front of behind. I get to clear some of the path for them. I can’t take it all away but I can take away the things that are there for me to clear.
We lead by example and even if my writing does nothing more than create space for me to clear out that tornado of thought and emotion whirling inside of me, it’s worth it. It’s helping me stand deeper in my truth and be more open, clear and available for my family. I can see them and hear them from a different place. One that doesn’t have a million words of chatter in the way. Everyone isn’t a writer but everyone has unique ways that they express themselves. Through sewing or cooking or painting. Through speaking, dancing, programming. Finding that expression of self is important. We are individuals in this world that are part of a greater whole and as one person finds their truth and their expression it allows the possibility for others to find theirs. In seeing that, I can sit and write and not worry about how long it’s going to take or worry that I’m “wasting my time”. I’m doing something that is helping me find a deeper place in myself that is in turn is helping my boys find a deeper place in themselves and so on. THAT I can get behind. THAT I can embrace.
And today, my birthday, I feel lighter that I’ve sat down and expressed myself. I feel clear and bold and can smile knowing that I stepped over a hurdle today. I like that the first time I’ve sat down to write in months is on the day of a new beginning for myself. Thank goodness I have a faith in God and know that He is guiding me and that I’m listening. My celebration of year 44 is a little sweeter than it would have been thanks to this.