20 Years Later

Today I’m getting in the car and driving down to Saratoga, the town where I grew up. I’m a local girl, never moving far from home, although San Francisco definitely felt like another world. I’m taking this drive because tonight is my 20 year High School reunion.

I didn’t sleep very well last night and I can feel the anxiousness in my body as I’m typing. Who will be there, what will they be like. Will I see some of my old friends?

I can hardly believe it’s been 20 years. It’s a strange thing because it’s been sparking thoughts of who I am, who I was, where I’ve come over the years. When I was younger, the age I am now seemed so old. But, I’m not old, older maybe, but not old.

Matt had no desire to come along and as much as I would like him to be there with me, I guess I can understand him not wanting to come. But, walking through that door, alone, is the part that I think feels the most challenging. And the funny part is that I’m one of those people that loves to do things by myself. I go to the movies alone, museums, the beach, even restaurants. It’s the introverted part of me that I’ve come to appreciate and love over the years, but for some reason, I’m feeling a little challenged with this one.

Along with the reunion, my birthday is on Monday. I think it’s compounding how I’m feeling. I usually get a bit introspective at this time of year to look at who I’ve been and what I’ve accomplished or not accomplished over the last year. I’ve been doing that for as long as I can remember and in the past, I would take some time for myself to go to the beach or somewhere that I love, to sit and think about things. Over the past few years, that’s been more difficult to do with the kids but I’ve found a way here and there.

When I was telling one of my girlfriends that I had a hotel room for the reunion and that I wasn’t sure if I would actually make it out of the room to go, she had an enlightening point of view. She reminded me that it was my birthday weekend and that it would be completely fine if I didn’t leave the room. To just go and have a weekend to myself and sleep all day/night if I wanted to. Just relax! This, was an epiphany and I’m completely embracing that thought. I do however think that I’ll muster the courage to walk downstairs and see who shows up and enjoy myself.

The thought of being able to revisit a time of life that was so difficult and challenging because I was growing and pushing and wanting things to be different than they were excites me. Not only do I get to mentally reflect about who I was, but feel it and experience it as I walk around and mingle with my old classmates.

It’s funny how those old insecurities pop up and try to take over. Try to knock down all of the self assurance thats been built up over the years. What to wear, am I skinny enough, is my hair o.k. I think I’ll just turn the volume of the radio up, listen to my ipod, lose myself in the music and drown out those voices. Tell them to just be quiet and let me enjoy myself because I like me, my husband and family and friends like me and I’m pretty sure that’s all that matters.

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