I’m not so different from all of the other women I know that have children and run businesses out of their home. I cook and clean and raise my kids. I make phone calls and answer emails. I do laundry in the middle of it all. It’s just the way it is. No need to complain or ask for extra understanding.
The only thing is, I’m cool and composed every now and again but most of the time I feel like a crazed maniac. There are days that I feel like I’m walking along a very thin tight piece of thread high in the air that could break at any moment and send me toppling to my demise. That the balancing act I feel like I’m performing on a daily basis is just that, an act. That I’m going to lose my balance and not only fall flat on my face but take everyone and everything down with me.
I guess deep down I know this isn’t true. That no matter what I do, I’m doing my best, well, most of the time. That there really aren’t any more balls in the air than the ones I’ve thrown up myself. Every now and again someone else tosses one in and I’ve gotten a bit better at shouting to the sideline in the direction of that one more ball that could throw my entire act into a frenzy, “STOP, do NOT throw that in here. I can’t handle it.” There was a day when I tried to keep it all going, no matter how many people asked for help. But, as the gray that keeps emerging from my scalp reminds me that I’m older and hopefully wiser, I know better than to just say “yes” to anything and everything.
Lately, even though this nice juggling act seems to be under control, I’m tired. Not just tired. T.I.R.E.D. like there’s no tomorrow. Tired like I could sleep for a week straight, only waking to eat and go to the bathroom. Too tired to prepare the food myself mind you. I would be sure to just have a mini fridge and a few bags of snacks right by the bed. I would sleep with crumbs in the sheets kind of tired. But, taking a vacation right now is probably the last thing that I can see happening. School has started, we just returned from a trip to Michigan and Tennessee and work is in full swing.
But then, this weekend, something unexpected happened. Matt happened. He took this weekend on and let me have some me time. He let me go back to bed on Saturday. Back to bed! He made all of us breakfast. We cleaned and organized a portion of the garage and when I went in to hang out with the boys, he kept going and didn’t stop until it was finished. He let me watch a movie with them while he made us all lunch. He played with them in the backyard while I read a book. I read an entire book this weekend. Now, I can’t get too excited. It was a short book and an easy read but a a whole book none the less. Embraced By The Light. My sister recommended it to me on Friday and it was one of those things that I felt like I had to have and had to read right away. I wasn’t disappointed. It’s an interesting recollection of the author’s near death experience. Her time with God and Jesus Christ before returning to her body and to the life she needed to finish living. It’s a book I wish everyone could read but I know that even if everyone read it, some would get it and some wouldn’t. Some would find their lives touched by her words and others probably couldn’t even get past chapter one. We’re all different and that’s one of the things she talks about.
Needless to say, at the end of the day on Sunday I felt like I had that mini vacation that I had been thinking and dreaming about. I even had it with my whole family around almost the entire time. What a bonus. I feel rested and ready for the week. I’m looking forward to work and to accomplishing all of the things that are on my list.
Thank you Matty for picking up the slack this weekend. For giving me some much needed space to just be for a while. You are my love and I thank God for you every day!
All I have left to say this time around is I hope everyone has a smile on their face today. At least one smile at some point in the day and maybe a good laugh. That couldn’t hurt either.
Here are a couple of images of us from a wedding Matt and I photographed a couple of weeks back. I love this shot I took of Matt and Maya was kind enough to turn the camera on us so we could be part of the memories as well.